Finola is a victim of domestic abuse including coercive control whose account of her experiences in family court after separation are sadly typical of the experiences of many survivors of domestic abuse. Her story makes clear how her ex husband used the family court over a 10 year period to manipulate a total separation of Finola from her two children. He was aided and abetted by CAFCASS who consistently refused to recognise that she was a victim of domestic abuse, despite the fact that her ex was convicted of common assault and given a suspended sentence. This enabled him to use the family court to coercively control both children as well as her and submit fabricated evidence to continue his false allegations against her. As a result, she has had absolutely no contact with her children since they were 10 and 14.5. This is devastating not only for this loving mum, but for her children who are now adults and have been estranged from their primary carer for the last 10 years of their lives. They are slowly reconnecting, but as Finola says, “patience and care are needed” after such a long separation.
Finola is happy to speak to the press and can be contacted via SNS.
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“I am writing to share my experiences of UK family court system and CAFCASS (the Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service). My dealings lasted from June 2015 through to Jan 2026. I was a victim of coercive and physical abuse and was supported by the Police, CPS and Women’s Aid during my separation from my ex-husband in Nov 2014; we have two children together. After my ex-husband was found guilty of common assault in Feb 2015, I was left to the mercies of the UK family court system and CAFCASS to help with arrangements for our children. My position throughout has been that both parents should remain in the children’s lives, but I have struggled emotionally and financially to keep my children in mine and failed. Both children were emotionally manipulated to become estranged from me between the ages of 10 and 15. My ex-husband and the UK family courts accused me of being stuck in ‘victim’ mode, an emotional abuser, potential alienator and referred to as a ‘Goliath’ – all to ensure my voice was silenced. The more I engaged with the lies to defend myself, the more the lies were given legs to reemphasise the narrative. I am none of those things; I am a grounded, professional, loving mother and survivor of domestic abuse.
I first turned to the family courts and CAFCASS for help and support in 2014 and was very grateful for their intervention – they ensured, despite an acrimonious separation, the first Child Arrangements Order (CAO) was in the children’s best interest with shared care arrangements split between both parents. When I returned to them in 2018, 2020 and 2025 (to enforce their own court orders as my ex-husband was not following them), I came across an emerging culture where proof of blame is manufactured, lies get legs, domestic abuse is downplayed and mentioning the prosecution was deemed ‘unhelpful’ to your case. It is adversarial and traumatic for a domestic abuse survivor. In Oct 2022, I came across a complete disregard for UK law and the human rights of both myself and my daughter. In layman’s terms and to repeat the words of many domestic abuse campaigners, UK family courts are ‘a mess and no longer fit for purpose’. With this background, I was lucky to keep my son in my life until he was 10 years old and my daughter until she was 13.5 years old.
I am writing this down, partly to document my separation from my children, but also to raise awareness of an adversarial system created by the family courts in private law cases. CAFCASS and each parties’ legal representatives carefully crafted position statements sustain the dynamics of post separation domestic abuse. I, unknowingly, entered a battle field where my children were removed from my life, and all I had left, was to fight for diminishing maternal influence and to hang on to them for as long as I could. So often, the court system works against mothers, we are seen as the problem. There are always two sides to every story, this is my side. It is unfair and unjust, my children are the victims of a parent damaged by his own abusive childhood. I am now a survivor of domestic abuse and my attempts to fix things for my family and keep both parents in the children’s lives, has been a financial and emotional mistake.
I hope my story can add weight to the argument that family courts continue to support the perpetrators of domestic abuse and allow damaging family dynamics to continue to the next generation, through arrogance and neglect, despite all the changes in law and in policy. I believe there is a need for a transparent investigation into the work of the family courts in private law, how they handle domestic abuse cases and for there to be an attempt to discover/monitor what mechanisms can be put in place for professionals to see things differently and finally start effective change. Mothers, like myself, victims of the family court (parents and children) are a silent group – devastated, emotionally exhausted, living with debt and the unknown of what their future relationship, if any, with their children will look like. I follow fellow victims of domestic abuse and coercive control on facebook & Instagram groups and read blogs of ‘experts’ and parents (dads and mums) analysing, struggling, declaring expertise. It is a confusing mess in which everyone has an experience/story to add and this is mine.
In 2015, I genuinely believed the family courts produced Child Arrangement Orders parents followed and would enforce them if needed. I naively thought my ex would follow them for the children’s best interests and not use them as a means to continue his abuse and control. After three CAOs, various court hearings totalling 10 years in court and around £100,000 of legal fees, I became the problem – because I wouldn’t go away. I was ill-prepared for the lengths my abusive ex would go to falsify and manipulate evidence to remove me from the children’s lives and the toll of that removal on my mental health. Lies got legs – as you defend yourself, you give those lies credibility. The bigger picture – it was a classic case of family breakdown, featuring domestic abuse and coercive control which continued post separation.
1.0 The Background and Parental Relationship
I married my now ex-husband in 2008. We already had a son (born in 2006) and three years later, welcomed a daughter (June 2009). I had left a responsible position of employment and my own home in UK to join him when he was working abroad. On reflection, the control he exerted over my finances and daily life started then.
In 2011, after a period abroad, I returned to my career. I began to no longer accept his constant criticism of me, personally and professional (one phrase which sticks in my mind “you believe your own press”) and my ability to run a home and daily life bringing up two young children. In spring 2014, I told him I no longer wished to be with him, he had become abusive (hitting out at me, pushing and grabbing my neck) and my priority was caring for our children. I unsuccessfully set up mediation and it is during my individual session with the mediator that the domestic abuse I was living under was explained to me – I had no idea what coercive control was and the lengths my ex would go to.
The relationship finally came to an end in Nov 2014 following an argument over my daughter attending a school disco. I was chased into the living room, pushed against the sofa and told “next time you do that, I will put a knife through your heart and kill you”. I was terrified and left the house. I rang Women’s Aid and Police, the latter arrested him and he was later found guilty of common assault by CPS, Feb 2015.
I applied for a non-molestation order with the support of Women’s Aid and my ex moved into his girlfriend’s house. I attended a ‘Building Bridges’ course with Women’s Aid which helped me understand coercive abuse and the control which had been exerted over me by my ex-husband. My ex had no relationship with his father from the age of 10 (although he lived nearby), and had witnessed a violent parental relationship from a young age. My ex-husband’s behaviour and the UK family court system are ensuring this family dynamic will continue into the next generation.
2.0 First Child Arrangements Order (CAO) – Jan 2016 to Sept 2017
From June 2016the first CAO was in place and worked in practice, other than a few minor issues that were resolved via returning to family courts for Specific Issue Orders. My son was struggling between the homes and I set up counselling session for him which helped. Everything became an argument and a power struggle with my son suffering, he slowly began to settle and I reiterated repeatedly that he had two homes, with parents who loved him. My daughter was happy with the arrangements as she was seeing both her parents.
3.0 Loosing my son
In Spring 2017 (the same time as the divorce proceedings were finalised), my son became unusually aggressive and very critical of our family home; not wanting to go on family holidays and spent time talking to his dad on a mobile phone (given to him by his dad and sneaked into my house). At this time and with his criminal conviction, my ex would not have been able to reapply for his DBS check to continue as a football coach. I believe this made the situation worse for my son. His challenging behaviour stemmed from him being put in a position, by his dad, to choose which home to live in (he frequently stated he could choose who he lived with). For me, it was a difficult position – seeing my loving son and the worry on his face, attempting to discipline him for his challenging behaviour, whilst knowing (first hand) the controlling pressure his dad was putting him under.
Sadly – after an argument over the mobile phone, my son ran away from me at school – he let me collect him only if I took him to his dad’s. I did as he asked and met with him twice in the two weeks following. I soon realised he was resisting a relationship with me, to please his dad. I had agreed with my ex for my son to stay with him for three weeks. Shortly before leaving for a family holiday, my ex began to send emails telling me how ‘deeply upset’ my son was and he wanted to stay with him for the summer; my son was not returned. Over the summer, my ex started sending me updates and photographs, showing how happy my son was solely in his care. I had hoped the CAO could be returned to by September and emailed my ex-husband repeatedly asking him to return to the Order. I attempted to set up counselling sessions with my ex and my son. I began having to endure my son being collected from school by his dad, his girlfriend or her daughter. Out of nowhere, I was told that my son had become terrified that I would abduct him. I missed my son terribly and was helpless. The rhetoric that I was an emotionally abusive mother had started.
I have not had a relationship with my son since 2017 and I had accepted this would continue until he became an adult.
4.0 The use of mediation and therapy in Family Courts – domestic abuse background.
I applied to enforce the first CAO in September 2017, hoping to return my son to the shared care arrangements. The presiding Judge said there was no reason for my son not to have a relationship with me and ordered mediation and family therapy to reinstate the relationship.
- Mediation – this was set up, however, my ex did not take mediation seriously, accusing me of abusing my son and focussing on a list of items he wanted returned from my family home. My aim was to see my son. The mediators bought the session to an end to safeguard me from my ex’s behaviour.
- Therapy – I had accepted my ex’s therapist suggestion as mine were not accepted (to later find out his choice was founder and campaigner for ‘Men have Rights too’ a domestic abuse support group perpetrated by women on their partners). The therapy followed the same pattern as mediation; abuse claims continued and I was pressurised to apologise to my son for fabricated abuse. It was great to see and talk to my son again, but I found it an impossible situation. The pressure of missing my son and coming to terms with both failed mediation and therapy (something I had great hopes for) was starting to affect my mental health.
The qualified Mediators stopped the sessions due to abuse, and I had to bring the therapy to an end as it was no longer in my children’s best interest. When I questioned the therapist’s conduct and issues surrounding my son, he told me he knew exactly what he was doing, as he had been alienated from his daughter. After the family therapy failed, in Spring 2018, my ex-husband refused to return my daughter, against her wishes and submitted an emergency order with claims of abuse to the family courts; he was accompanied by the same therapist. I attended a rearranged hearing and my daughter was returned back to CAO. This was the start of repeat patterns of behaviour – the CAO arrangements would last 1-1.5 years, my ex would stop contact, apply to court to change CAO and begin a negative rhetoric campaign against me. I also began to see unregulated professionals become involved and enter the mix of opinions and conclusions – diluting the focus further from the abuse and controlling parental relationship.
The conciliatory approach of the family courts to ‘find a way’ in this initial stage allowed my ex to continue his abuse and make further applications to the court. This delay ensured the emotional manipulation of my son to reject me and to “choose to support his dad was established. I know now, both mediation and family therapy w”ould never have worked in such family dynamics where domestic abuse is a factor. I read prolifically and began to understand the relationship dynamics with my ex and his repeat patterns of abusive behaviour plus the signs of child manipulation and the effects on by son and my daughter – the first CAO would fail as I was ignored by the family court professionals I had turned to for help.
A new CAFCASS Officer was appointed and a Psychological Assessments of the family was ordered. All of us met the psychologist alone, apart from my son who did not want to unless his father was present. Her findings were of entrenched parental conflict, that my ex was a borderline narcissist and that I was stuck in a ‘victim’ mode – no mention of the domestic abuse background and a son rejecting a mother. Therapy for myself was advised, which I entered in to whole heartedly – it helped as I needed to grieve losing my son and accept I was losing him.
5.0 CAFCASS – overseeing removal of mother from both her children’s lives
The CAFCASS Guardian appointed above has presided over the removal of all maternal contact from my children’s lives in 5 years. She never considered the impact of domestic abuse or the paternal emotional manipulation within the family dynamic – but put it down to parental conflict and an over emotional mother. She initially advised my ex would send updates on how my son was progressing (controlling the rhetoric), I was given indirect contact with my son via letters (I later found out my ex wrote most of the letters and emails), plus I would communicate with his new girlfriend. I struggled with all of these, they seemed to manifest the problem, not solve it. Supervised contact with my son in 2017 (which I requested), was never considered by the Guardian and my son’s wishes (from the age of 10 years) not to have any contact with me, was allowed. My legal counsel referred to the assault charge, but the term ‘domestic abuse’ was largely deemed ‘unhelpful’ to the proceedings and not considered by CAFCASS. By December 2019, I ceased trying to keep contact with my son and respect his wishes for no contact. I had endured two years of abusive emails, false accusations and inappropriate behaviour from my ex, all in attempt to work with him – he was given free rein to behave as he wished. All incidents were reported to my counsel and the Guardian, the latter underplayed each report and supported my ex throughout, stating I made things up. She would meet me once, perhaps twice for an hour’s meeting as part of the process – that gave her enough time to create sweeping statements and discriminately pick and choose which evidence she believed.
In short, the shared CAO from Jan 2016 was never returned to. From March 2020 the Guardian advised entrenched parental conflict and to protect my son and daughter they were to live with my ex-husband and for me to have contact with my daughter only, every other weekend and for part of the week. I was devastated. After directions and a final hearing, the second CAO was put in place. My ex was awarded for his past abuse, not following a court order and manipulation of a 10 year old. The gas lighting, abuse and control continued.
6.0 Second CAO, March 2020 to Oct 2022
Within the first few months of the second CAO, my daughter was struggling with her new living arrangements and the whole country went into the first Covid lockdown. I organised for her to talk to my therapist (via Zoom due to Covid restrictions), she became happier with her situation and settled into the new CAO, sleeping better at her Dad’s. I contacted both CAFCASS and my ex to tell them my daughter was struggling and request their support. My concerns were ignored.
In Sept 2020 (possibly earlier) unknown to myself, my ex-husband had illegally hacked into my personal email account and was reading, harvesting and stealing a number of emails between myself and my therapist, family and friends for his future use. His account on accessing these emails became a changing story, yet he had manipulated my email account, deleted the emails sent to him from my account and kept them on his computer for 14 months. In the world outside the family courts this would not be accepted.
By July 2021, I had endured months of accusatory and aggressive emails from my ex-husband over arrangements involving my daughter. He began to interfere with our indirect contact, in hindsight, I now know he had access to my personal emails. Also that year, he had begun to refuse our direct contact (Mother’s Day and summer holidays), against my daughter’s wishes. His reasons were that I was emotionally abusing her and planning to abduct her. I simply had to endure this rhetoric and the abuse.
Just before the summer holidays, my ex told my daughter he was stopping all contact with me, she ran away from his home and rang me. I met her with the intention of returning her, but that was not possible as my ex, able to track her mobile phone, drove to where we were parked, jumped on the bonnet and was hitting the windscreen, shouting at my daughter to ‘get out’ of the car. As a result of his behaviour, my daughter became terrified and we drove off – he tailgated our car. My daughter rang the police who met us at my house, talked to her and returned her to her residing address, her Dad’s. They promised they would tell her Dad to stick to the CAO, they didn’t – they produced a report stating my house was untidy and a ‘teenage tantrum’ was the reason my daughter ran away. The father intention to stop contact and attacking the car with her present, were not relevant to their report. This was a cruel turn of events for a child who was fighting to keep contact with her mother.
My ex’s subsequent court application was to remove all contact between us. I submitted a third application to enforce the second CAO and for court ordered contact to continue between myself and my daughter. It was again the same pattern of behaviour, the CAO had been in place for 1-1.5 years, he stopped contact and began rhetoric that I was emotionally abusive. My daughter spent the summer holiday at her Dad’s under close supervision until I was able to return her to the CAO.
In my (stolen) emails to my friends and family, I speak of the CAFCASS Guardian and UK family courts in unfavourable terms. There was also the therapy I organised, which helped my daughter settle into the second CAO. My ex-husband requested the same Guardian to be reappointed at the 2021 summer hearing, with full knowledge of my emails. When both parents met with the Guardian, I provided evidence for my enforcement and his behaviour, my ex-husband provided my emails and fabricated messages between my daughter and a friend. Her report was released in Dec 2021 clearing stating how unhappy my daughter was in her father’s care and wishing to live with me. Yet the Guardian dismissed my daughter’s wishes and feelings, supported the use of my ex-husband’s stolen and fabricated evidence and his negative rhetoric to recommend the draconian measures of removal of all contact and accusing me of emotionally abusing my daughter and undermining the second CAO. The CAO she was responsible for putting in place. She referred to my stolen emails throughout her report to state I was derogatory about my ex-husband, manipulative, emotionally abusing and planning to abduct my daughter. All groundless and fabricated. My ex-husband’s behaviour was down played and supported and the impact on my daughter ignored.
With the Guardian’s actions above, my reasons for enforcing were completely ignored, I now faced a defensive case. Most of the other evidence I accepted, as it could be fairly defended, but the use of hacked emails and fabricated evidence made the court case no longer fair, moral nor ‘on a level playing field’. The fabricated evidence was a string of messages between my daughter and a friend during school lessons – the friend did not exist and her user name changed three times during the conversation. My daughter (at the age of 6) was reliving my ex’s assault of me – but this time saying I had attacked him. It was incredulous, belittling and should have been a red flag to any professional working in a domestic abuse field. Having an abusive ex hack into your emails and monitor your life felt like the abuse was happening all over again.
Following the release of the report in December 2021, the CAFCASS Guardian and solicitor spoke to my daughter, 2 days prior to an interim hearing (on a Friday after school) and a day after her report was issued, advising her of the Guardian’s recommendations to remove all maternal contact. Unsurprisingly, this upset my daughter terribly and her confidence and trust in the court process and Guardian was ruined. As I write this, 4 years later, my heart will always go out to that poor little girl, who was fighting desperately to keep her Mum in her life.
I went to Police to complain, they did nothing, stating that I had given my ex access to my emails when we were together and I had not changed the password. There was an interim court hearing to decide on whether the emails should be used, as the first Judge stated they shouldn’t. The second Judge however allowed them to go through, stating the evidence needed to be forensically tested. It never was. I had an opportunity to apply to remove the Guardian, but a final hearing was only 2 weeks away and I had to keep financial funds for this hearing. As it turned out, the final hearing was cancelled, due to Judge contracting Covid, and I had missed the deadline for applying to remove the Guardian. I was able to keep my daughter in my life for a further 6 months.
The Guardian updated her report for the October 2022 final hearing and sought feedback from my ex-husband, myself and our daughter. By this final stage, both myself and my daughter had lost all faith and trust in the Guardian. The Guardian concluded my daughter’s behaviour was because she no longer wished to be involved in the family court proceedings and that I had ‘coerced’ her negative view of the Guardian and Father. She maintained her position of no direct contact and put forward supervised contact and indirect contact supervised by my ex-husband.
The whole process was wholly improper – the theft of my emails, fabricated evidence, CAFCASS ignoring my daughter’s stated wishes and her Dad’s behaviour were all backed up by their ‘go to’ argument, the mother is emotional abusive. The Guardian had created a family dynamic where the perpetrator of abuse was allowed to continue with the alienation/estrangement of my son and could begin to work on my daughter now the maternal influence was removed; the problem was my daughter did not want to be alienated or estranged. The report ensured my ex-husband’s application took precedent over mine and I was on trial for emotionally abusing my daughter and facing the removal of all maternal contact. The Judge ignored my evidence, my daughter’s clearly stated wished but accepted my ex-husband’s lies, he even referred to ‘made up’ friend’s words in his judgement “your Mum is toxic”. It was a rhetoric I could not change. These court proceedings felt that they had become a fabricated vendetta monster against me and empowering my abusive ex-husband further.
My punishment, for surviving domestic abuse and not giving up on my children, has been administered by the UK family court with CAFCASS’s approval for the alienation of one submissive son and the ‘tearing apart’ separation of a non-submissive daughter. The Judge ruled I was emotionally abusing my daughter, being derogatorily about my ex-husband, exerting coercive control over my daughter and liable to alienate her from her father and brother. I had all direct contact removed until my daughter is 18. My ex-husband was to monitor all my daughter’s social media to ensure she does not contact me, any letters I send her are read by him first and there is a power of arrest against me if I contact her directly, indirectly or via a third party. It was staggering draconian and misogynistic.
After these second court proceedings concluded, I complained to CAFCASS and the Police. The former told me to go the Police if I believed the use of my emails was illegal and reaffirmed their position that I was at fault. Action Fraud, accepted that the stolen emails should have been investigated if they were to be used in court proceedings.
7.0 The Third Child Arrangements Order, losing my daughter and a fourth enforcement, Oct 2022 to Jan 2026
The third CAO allowed me and my daughter 3 hours of supervised contact each school holiday. She wanted to see me, I wanted to see her, but the loving closeness and the strong mother/daughter relationship was becoming estranged. It was tearing me up inside as she became more and more distant – she was growing up and away from me.
A glimmer of hope came unexpectantly in the summer 2024. My son (now 18 years old) met an old primary school friend. She asked him bluntly, “why do you not see your Mum, she is lovely. Your Dad is a ‘narcissistic cunt’”. Those words were relayed back to my ex who forced the breakdown of the third CAO. He stopped my remaining minimal contact with no explanation, stating I was abusive and my daughter did not want to see me. The repeat pattern of behaviour was happening again.
I reached out to Women’s Aid and other domestic abuse campaigners – all advised writing down my story, but could not help. I was asking one fundamental question – ‘what am I supposed to do’: I follow each CAO, they last for 1.5 to 2 years before my ex chooses unilaterally to stop contact. Each time I enforce the maternal connection is reduced further and becomes non-existent.
Legal Action for Women and Support not Separation took me under their wing and with their support, I enforced the third court order whilst my daughter was still 16. I was encouraged by the CAFCASS Domestic Abuse policy, introduced in Oct 2024.
My experience of the family courts this last time round was initially different. I was treated with respect and listened to by two out of three Judges. A Section 7 CAFCASS Report was carried out in June 2025, but it was too late for the maternal/daughter relationship, I had had no contact with my daughter for over a year and she did not wish supervised contact. I didn’t blame her.
However, my position statements carried my enforcement through two hearings. At the latter, I could no longer enforce, as I was, yet again, the only one following the order. The Judge tried to reach agreement between us, to prevent the case going through to a final hearing. I wanted to stop the CAO at 16, my ex wanted to continue it until she was 18 – yet he had stopped following it! The Judge made clear to my ex, he had to have very good reason why he was insisting on placing such controls on a 16.5 year old and found the third CAO extremely unfair. They had listened to me! I felt elated and empowered, I followed the court directions, created a final hearing position statement and felt I was going to be listened to at the final hearing in January 2026
I wasn’t – the final hearing went the way of all the others. I had a different Judge and I lost, based on a practicality and a missing procedure. My position statement was irrelevant. I had forced the case to a final hearing and my ex had incurred legal costs which I was ordered to pay (£4,000). The CAO remains in place until my daughter is 18 and my maternal connection, yet again, was deemed irrelevant and unnecessary.
It was unfair and unjust – ironically, the Judge at this final hearing, who had found my conduct inappropriate by taking the case to the final hearing – apologised for not being able to give me the Order I wanted, an end to the CAO at 16. He ‘told off’ both parents for our conduct and the example we were showing to our children. A complete lack of understanding and ignoring of the domestic abuse background. I left feeling let down and desperately disappointed – the swell of a forthcoming tide of change where domestic abuse would be recognised in the family courts came to nothing. My ex’s Barrister submitted a 40-page position statement for a 3 hour final hearing, mine was 2 pages – putting their arguments on why the 2023 court order should remain in place – it was legal overkill to strangle and ignore the domestic abuse background in my family history . I had no legal representation.
The family courts have been emotionally and financially draining, inhumane with an air of fragility, 1970s misogyny and jaded legal professionals keen on showing intellectual argument and legal procedures (to protect their family legal services). But it has also been baffling, inconsistent and giving glimmers of hope when you encounter professionals wanting change and showing genuine empathy.
8.0 What Next and What have I learnt
Thankyou for reading all or sections of my story. Just to have my voice heard, means a lot. If this story if of interest and you would be interested in covering my case or use it in some way, please get in touch. As I stated at the beginning, I hope my small contribution can help support and demonstrate the need for change in how domestic abuse and post separation abuse is currently handled by the UK family courts. The past victims, parents and children, who have experienced the family courts should have a mechanism to be listened to. I commend the changes and fresh view of the new domestic abuse focus – but the Domestic Abuse Act was passed in 2021, it is considered relevant in all walks of life. Any changes which filter through the family courts will be clumsy and clunky – as in my experience, there was some reflection for the need to change, but it was ultimately easier to find an ‘excuse’ (the missing application/teenage years) rather than revisit my case, the decision and the real life experiences of an alienated parent and their children.
What I have learnt from my experience;
- The Family Courts are suffering with back log going back pre-pandemic. I can’t help but feel it is because they do not take a strong enough position when enforcing their orders. If they had done that when I first enforced the shared care agreement (in Autumn 2017), my case may never have gone on as long as it has.
- CAFCASS policies are not followed appropriately and they rely on their own professional standards and complaint system to cover up their conduct. As a result, their work becomes biased with disregard for human rights and legality of information. In Oct 2024, CAFCASS finally accepted the criticism of them in the UK Parliamentary Harm Report, revealing their damaging behaviour in the family courts. They apologised to family who have not been properly protected and introduced domestic abuse guidance and policy. I returned to the Courts hoping this would make a difference, it didn’t.
- Abusers use the family court to maintain their control (emotionally and financially) – my ex-husband submitted court application after court application with various allegations of abuse. He contacted the school, police and children’s services to back up his negative rhetoric on my ability as a mother. He never followed any court order fully and used them to disrupt contact and exert control. I have been repeatedly retraumatised and my personality pulled apart, by the only thing left it his arsenal – my children.
- Abusers go to any lengths to discredit and abuse their ex partner. Mine repeatedly lied in court documents and court appearances, it became a matter of course to paint a negative picture of me. CAFCASS lapped up the lies, despite evidence to the contrary, and used them in their reports, supporting the father and the negative maternal rhetoric. I did not engage with the lies, but he was believed and I was not. Some examples;
- I have had to defend myself throughout each court case whilst dealing with the loss of a son and continued domestic abuse. I was deemed ‘a victim’ from the start. My daughter was not allowed to have her voice heard in both court cases and had her maternal contact direct and indirect removed against her clear wishes. She also witnessed her father’s abusive behaviour first hand – all reasons why she was unhappy and her position that she does not wish to live with her father never wavered. She is now estranged from me after 3 years of reduced and non-existent contact.
- The UK family court system have put me in a position that with each enforcement I had to see it to the end, so my children could not be told I gave up on them – I was dammed if I did and dammed if I didn’t. My finances are minimal, my ex’s are not. There is a whole industry of court advisors/therapists and legal teams which support the family courts.”
